Three months of days and ways

Since Halloween, it has been over 30 kg
and that seems bloody fantastic.

I keep working on German
and have even started teaching people
     who can now say hallo.

Things sound idyllic
but I still want to go away.

Is it crazy to want to give up staring at a computer screen for at least 40 hours a day, doing the same work all the time, yet a secure job, to want to struggle to find a job in another country?

Am I wrong?

I am lost or close to getting lost.

Terrified of being rejected before I apply to a program, and terrified to get accepted.

Maybe there is something wrong with me.

Another year past

Two months I was 17.7 kg lighter.
It is nice, but i have not put myself in torment
      throughout the holidays
pay a third of my weekly paycheck for daily substance
    half of the normal amount

to loose .6 kg.

Then to be told how bloody fantastic it is.
No. Fuck that.


I just want it to be June. The wedding, to stand behind a friend.

And hopefully an end to this in sight.


Hopefully certified and with prospects.

Tis the season for food

Food has gotten easier to be removed from my life.
I see results and I guess that matters.
But food and dining is such a social and cultural thing.
Going to see a friend in Indianapolis, he had planned to go out, dine on homemade soup in handmade bowls. But I cannot.
And all the meetings.
How do you feel this week?
Have you wanted to eat food?
Have you been good on your diet?
Can I just go? This is infuriating.
Yes, I want to eat.
I want to eat real food daily.
I want to go out with friends and commune over Chipotle, or meet an out of town friend for German beer.
Enjoy the holiday, warmed by the food in our bellies, a fire, and community.
Nothing sounds better.


And I know, these bitchings are one of luck.
When people know of war, starvation, incurable illness. Fresh water is a luxury. Each time I want to break, I donate. Help someone build a well, or send money to children dying.

Something I never have to worry about.

Either way, it is Christmas season at work. There are two trays of candies and cookies. Honey baked ham has been served.

I keep eating diet pudding.
They make me hate food.

Another beginning

The insurance agency says I have one chance to do this. Get a new start on life. 

In the weight department.

So two weeks into it, I thought to write 

a whatever this is. 

I gave up food

and realized how addictive food is. 

But also, how much time we invest in food.

I have read more in these past two weeks, listened to more (of the same) music. Wrote.

Listened to people (usually while watching them eat).

I get addiction now. To have a setting to catch up, when a friend comes in from out of town involves food and drink. Celebrating successes and offering sympathy involves food. To live socially involves food.

All television, wither commercial or within the story, involves food. Scenes in books have feasting or a dinner. It is omnipresent. 

15 pounds in fourteen days is a feat, and should be easy to overcome these temptations. 

But like the night creeping upon a candle in a Halloween movie, I keep watching people eat, wanting to taste, consume. 

It is getting darker earlier, colder

exercising isn't an option in the raining ice pellets 

and holidays loom closer with the colorful side dishes and succulent proteins

I must a stone witch immune to temptation and wickedly alone.